The #MeToo social media posts these past weeks brought up a lot of serious stories and issues to talk about. I’m not writing this blog to complain, nor am I writing it as an excuse; it is an issue that everyone will talk about for a long time.
For me, seeing this social media campaign has brought to light a lot of things for me. I will not go into detail with my testimony on what happened to me, as I refuse to be found by several people regarding my past traumas.
Sure, I have had quite a few traumatic incidences in my life, just like everyone else out there, sadly. However, my traumas have stopped me from writing under a familiar name, and going anonymous only.
I do enjoy the anonymity of blog writing, having only my familiar writing style tell you a bit about me, but eventually, I will need to write fiction, and sell books. I would eventually end up doing book signings, appear in public, and various other things.
With me, not only was I hit hard by the #MeToo campaign with causing me to think about my traumas with men, but I also risk a stalker I finally stopped hearing from.
I will not go into detail regarding this stalker, again for protection and anonymity reasons, but the trauma I faced with this person has stopped me from wanting any kind of fame.
I have been praised for my writing for years, and yet, I still live in fear, crippling my progression, and my passion of writing.
The #MeToo campaign not only shows that I’m not alone, which is comforting, but also that with speaking out, you’re revealing a part of yourself to family, friends, and acquaintances that never knew you were a victim.
When you post you are a victim of sexual assault, and rape, as well as abuse, it’s liberating; it’s a different kind of jump off that cliff you’ve been staring over the edge of for quite some time.
It shows silence is no longer seen as a strength; which shows you’re fearful instead. I am fearful of one person, and that is my stalker. The man/men who assaulted me, well, I’m sure they forgot about me, as they did it to break me.
And they did, though I’m healing, so they only temporarily won. That’s a good question, do the men who rape, or break women emotionally by assaulting them remember their victims?
I’ve never heard men speak of it, nor have I ever asked a man whether he’d raped someone in his youth. It’s just unheard of. However, when it comes to recovering from those traumas, it’s a long, hard journey, and battle with ourselves, as it’s not easy to forget what we remember so clearly.
I’m the type of person where I remember traumas like they happened yesterday, and I never held them in. I spoke about them to get past the pain. However, I never imagined it would cause me to worry about taking care of my body, and looking my best.
I ruined my body in my youth to disappear, and now? Well, with 40 creeping up on me, I am reminded of those in my family older than me who are very ill with diseases that stemmed from them doing the same thing; hurting their bodies to disappear, and become undesired.
Sure, I was only assaulted, never raped, but as men tried to pick me up on a daily basis, no matter what I wore, or was doing, I felt raped by them. I once modeled as a young woman for a life drawing class, and an older man, who was about my age now, drew me naked, when I wasn’t. To a young woman under 20, that can be traumatic.
I didn’t want them to notice me. I wanted them to see a glimpse and then avert their eyes. I wanted them to see me as average, not the Barbie I used to be seen as. Now? That behavior of wanting to disappear has it’s repercussions.
Seeing this campaign reminds me I need to restart and continue therapy. I don’t see myself as weak in any way; however, it’s obvious I’m not ready to face the world, and reveal who I am.
Yeah, as a writer, I could just come up with a saucy pen name and write romance novels anonymously, but that would only get me so far; I would only be reaching only one audience; the one who has been awaiting the latest short novella from LoRissa Hugankiss (I hope that’s not a real name. If so, let me know…)
I have loftier plans. I plan to reach the populace with my message; spanning across as many avenues as I can without being a run-of-the-mill journalist. Blogging is so rewarding, but it’s obvious even staying anonymous is an idea ridden in fear with me.
However, my strength doesn’t come from anonymity; anyone can claim that, and hide behind anonimity. It’s the strong who break free and reveal themselves to remind themselves that they deserve the praise and recognition.
So, you can see my dilemma. Do I care about how these specific people see me, or what I’ve written? Yes. Should I? In a healthy manner, no, simply because that would mean I’m no longer scared of their reactions.
Caring about one who traumatically hurt me, in one way or another, isn’t an option. I haven’t let my Aunt bully me, and I shouldn’t let them bully me either.
So, #MeToo has spurred something within me-the need to take back my life, and my strength.
Rambling Thoughts Abound 