Disclaimer: I am in no way a doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist; this blog post is merely me telling about my findings based on experiences of myself and others around me to give them information on an experience level. If you find these situations hit too close to home, then please, seek a professional who can help you further than I can.
We’ve all become familiar with some sort of abuse, in one way or another, even if that only entails hearing about experiences of it from those we know. However, when it dawns on us, and it’s someone we know, who is close, it will always come at us as a shock.
Abuse has hit me sideways more than once, now, and it’s getting more and more difficult to trust others due to my ever-learning, analytical brain wondering who else is abusing me, and for what reasons.
Abuse is not easy to handle, or get over once the damage is done, as we normally find out about it after it’s too late. For me, I just recently learned that a Narcissist had such a strong hold on me for years that I had no idea what was happening to me. What scares me is now that I know, I need to pay close attention to how I treat others; as Narcissists tend to mold their victims, and their victims tend to learn how to bite back, which tends to be the same way they were bitten when the relationship went sour. I have noticed personality changes in myself over recent times, and this person I’m referring to, might as well keep the name Tilly, was so close with me that I noticed I was catching onto some of her ways of thinking, and how she works.
Now, mind you, she never gas lighted me, she never threw things in my face, but I felt at her beck and call whenever her world was upside down. My home and shoulder were her sanctuaries, and she’d crash wherever I was whenever things got too difficult for her and her family. She made me feel like I was saving someone innocent, like I was a philanthropist, and that she would be a success story for me, in essence, be someone a person in need would talk about to the news, or newspaper, or something of that sort. I was blinded by helping what I believed to be an extraordinary young person who was strong, but less fortunate, and would make something of them-self one day. However, I was jaded by the assumptions she led me to create.
Now, since our crazy misunderstanding, I have noticed I have gone through a slight change in grieving-As I let go, she let go as well, and we never communicated. We were so connected that we reacted in mirrored actions: whenever I was angry, the emotion came out of nowhere. If i was crying and missing this friend, it was off from left field, as if she was my long lost twin I was once connected to at the hip. Hence, naming her an energy vampire, she knew what I was doing, and I had no communication with her, as she refused to talk to me when the stupidity started. In essence, seeing her smiling face on Facebook led me to believe she was happy she’d booted the ‘non-working oven’ (me) from her kitchen, and was happy to not have it there.
If you notice these signs in any relationships with people that you have either an unusual connection with that can’t be explained, or under constant scrutiny with, take a close look, and seek help on how to get away as soon as you can. Granted, not all abusive relationships end as peacefully as this one; I went through emotional hell on the psychologically emotional level on my end because it was hard to quit her, or imagine losing her because she was so wonderful to me, or so I thought. She used me to the bone and last vestiges of my soul; never to give back, never to give thanks, and never to tell me how much she appreciated the work I did to help in such impossible times. All to end, unapologetically, when the situation I was involved in failed her.
However, one thing to think about, is the first thing you can do in a situation such as this, is Google what you’re going through. In the case you are not aware, you can type a situation into google, and it will match the words or sentence description you typed, and give a list of web sites and definitions on what you are experiencing. These lists can help you figure out your next step, as you can find out what you are indeed experiencing, or at least give you a clue.
Also, another thing to think about is, at times, we’re blinded by the present surroundings, and can have no clue what’s really going on. Friends who are objective can give you an honest analysis on what they see, and can help you determine whether you’re in a precarious, abusive relationship. Often times, when asking them to be blunt, they will give you clues on what to look up or research.
I’m not, in any way telling you to self-diagnose, but researching can help you find that beginning step to finding help through a therapist, a psychiatrist, or hospital/pavilion.
It’s also important to understand that, upon finding out that you’re indeed going through abuse of any kind, the hardest thing to realize is that it’s not your fault, as you are conditioned to believe. That type of abuse is sadly common, and the damage done over time can be devastating, and overwhelmingly difficult to overcome.
However, acknowledging that it’s not your fault, and it never was from the beginning, is the point where you know you’re in better shape than you previously were. Realizing your self-worth outside of the harmful bubble they placed you in is the ultimate retribution, as you have just begun to undermine the damage they worked so hard to inflict for no reason other than to soothe their own petty self-doubt, jealousy, or other emotional weaknesses.
But, first of all, recognize that you are looking because you are seeking help, and the fact that you’re seeking help means you’re ready to get out and start healing your soul, heart, and gain peace of mind. Don’t let them fool you into thinking you have no future outside of them, that is where they like you to dwell. Interesting fact, often times, in fairy tales where a princess, or fair maiden is caged in a tower, or something to that affect, the heroine is suffering from an abusive relationship with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They feel most comfortable standing over the fair maiden who outshines them in every way, as their perception of the world is a skewed, and they need someone to harm in order to feel in charge, or important. I saw this happen with my friend while her family put her in a ‘Cinderella-like’ situation, and she fought hard to get her blossoming family and herself out.
Now, oddly enough, she may see what she did to me as merciful, not beating me up for what happened between us, but silence is a killer when generally bombarded with chatter, attention, drama, and everything in between. She made me feel like I was important to her, like I was her sanctuary, her confidant, someone she trusted, as she limited the amount of people she allowed close. She made me believe we were kindred spirits. I ate up that attention, and those accolades. Then, one false step around me, and I fell into the deepest hole I’d ever found myself in… alone, or at least that was how it felt.
I refuse to allow her to tell me I did anything wrong. I refuse to believe I hurt her when what happened had nothing to do with me. I refuse to let her kill me inside any longer, and I refuse to see her as someone I must keep in my life. I choose to stand tall, let go of everything we had together, and concentrate on my new friends.
That was one of the good rewards I noticed after standing up for myself instead of letting her hurt me, and stand on me as if I was some sort of standing block-I gained a whole new group of friends who enjoy doing what I do, share the same likes and dislikes, and are genuinely wonderful people who just enjoy getting together and having a good time. All in the span of time as I was growing further apart from Tilly. To be honest, it felt too good to be true, and to a point, it still does, but I gained a life outside of her very quickly, and that helped me transition away from her, outside of the bubble she put me in.
Now, I am aware that not every case is like mine, but those are the signs that I was on the right track, when good people who are genuine come out of the woodwork, so-to-speak. But don’t get down that it hasn’t happened for you as it has for me, that just means your situation is different from mine, as they all are, to varying degrees. It doesn’t mean yours is certainly worse than mine; often times, it all depends solely on the person in question, and how strong they allow themselves to be after such abuse. Nothing is ever easy, and anything worth doing is going to rough you up before you get up that mountain. However, the ending of the journey is your goal, and to keep doing your best to get out is what you ultimately need to keep doing. Never give up, and never let anyone tell you that you are not worth it, because you are, always.
If you have anything to add (such as web sites, phone numbers, or other signs or symptoms I’ve missed) feel free to add it in the comments below; information from those who also have gone through such hard times as this, will always be appreciated. Let’s help each other, teach each other, and guide each other to healing, and the strength we need to break free.