Oh, the guilt trips, the pain they suffer, and the hole that has formed in their heart. Those are the traps thrown at victims when they leave a narcissist’s domain. No matter who the victims are, those are painful to deal with, after being abused so long.
The question an abuse victim needs to ask after they’ve left the abuser’s vicinity is, “Is it really my problem?”
No, and it never was. Although, they will do anything in their power to make them think it always was.
There are many sites out there that list what goes on in a Narcissist’s heart and mind whenever their pet tries to walk out, or misbehaves so to speak. The thing to remember is it’s not the victim who’s misbehaving. The victim is acting on survival instinct when they run. It’s not the victim/pet that ruined the relationship, or messed up; they gave it their all, just to the wrong person who had the wrong intentions between them.
It’s not easy for the victim to see through the clouded, frosted glass they’ve been surrounded with for so long. They can see what they want out of life on the other side, but it’s blurred, and looks difficult to achieve because of the film that has accumulated from the time that has passed by with the layers of grime built up from the negativity fed to the victim by the narcissist.
However, once the victim leaves, they must cut ties, no matter what they’ve left behind. That is the hardest thing to do because they must leave what’s dear to them, and whatever holds value. Narcissists love to hide things on their victims they know their victims will want in order to force them to come back begging, and then try to make a bargain, or deal, which will never work out well for the victim.
It is hard to leave somewhere you’ve been for so many years, no matter how good your soul feels after it’s freed of such toxicity. Humans instinctually attach themselves to environments, things, people, and animals. When an attachment is formed, it’s hard to cut the attachment because of the good feelings the item or being brought to the victim.
It’s easy to see how unhealthy attachments can be from the outside since the outsider is not involved in those attachments. When those attachments are cut, withdrawal is always the result, no matter how strong the symptoms. It is up to those offering support to help them see and understand what they are going through, and why.
Another thing to remember through all this, is freedom is what your soul and body truly need, not the material items left behind, the people you lost in the fray, or the environment they’d been holding on to for so long. What is important is the victim for once. New beginnings are always rough, and are an adjustment period for those who have been abused, and it is possible to heal from the trauma.
Never forget, guilt trips only have power when the victim allows himself/herself to be vulnerable, and give power to the person dishing it out. Those feelings are the abusers, and theirs alone. The victim doesn’t need to be a part of the abusers turmoil, which tends to be temporary, fleeting, and unrealistic most of the time. It’s not up to the victim to save the one who abused them, and there is no excuse for the abuser, ever, as they never excuse them for their problems to begin with.
That is the ultimate key to their mania; the abuser doesn’t know how to fix themselves, and could never fix themselves, so they place it on victim as they’re willing to give and follow the abusers directive out of care. It’s never required of the victim to give the abuser power over them, unless they choose not to change their situation. Once the victim leaves, power over the victim must be severed, and never re-established again. That is the key to healing the abuser/victim relationship.
The victim must learn, and realize the abuser will not die, they will not harm themselves over losing their pet; they love themselves too much, and will easily find someone else, or something else to latch onto. Sure, it sounds careless to say the victim shouldn’t remain in a chivalrous position to save others from the pain and suffering they suffer by staying under the foot of their abuser, but it isn’t truly up to the victim to save others, it is up to the next victim to be wise, or to take the same actions. Now, if it turns out the abuser moved on to someone the victim is still connected with, then it is up to the previous victim to open the eyes of the new victim so they can get out immediately.
The only tool we have against these situations is awareness; spreading the news, and the story of the trauma, and what they went through to get out can help make others aware of their situations, the situations of loved ones, and information to help future victims. Please, don’t be afraid to talk about this subject. Share the information you have with everyone you know; you never know who may be experiencing these situations and may need help.
Here are a few links to help answer some questions regarding what a victim may be going through in their abusive relationship: