I Refuse to Apologize

Today, I was hurt by another friend. Yeah, this is becoming a theme in my life now. I’m turning 40 later this year, and it feels like I’m losing everyone on the back side of that hill as I’m reaching the top of it.

For most of my life, up until my father died about a year and a half ago, I was what one would call a doormat, a pushover, a wannabe, and someone who wanted to be there for those who couldn’t be there for themselves; you know the kind.

Well, I began to change once things were set on my plate I had never imagined I would ever deal with. Like helping my mother more than ever, dealing with a total absence of my sister’s care for me, friends dropping like flies, and family looking at me like I’m insane. All I have been trying to do is figure out my role in this big huge box of responsibility my father left in my lap (I would include my sister in that, but she stays away from my mother, so I refuse to).

I was someone who put everyone before myself, including those who would consider themselves my enemies now. The friend I lost is someone I have called brother for half my life. Someone I have loved since grade school. He is eleven years younger than I am, falls into the millennial generation, and is emotionally/psychologically ill. He and I had been two peas in a pod for quite a long time, and we were there for each other.

He’s now in his late twenties, and as good a man as he is deep down, something has come to light regarding this man. He has apparently had a boot over me, and I didn’t realize it. As I have aged, my memory has lost its luster, and there have been things I’ve forgotten. He has an amazing memory, and remembers things even I don’t from way back when. He expected the same from me, a woman who was bore of a family with dementia and Alzheimers in the mix of genum.

My mother and a couple of my aunts are showing signs of dementia, and I’m worried about me. With my abilities as a sensitive, and what I experience in my life, it makes me wonder where I’m headed. And I just got slapped by this man I called brother for a good portion of my life; I got slapped for just being me.

He has issues with various triggers due to his lack of experience in life, and due to my not communicating with him for a time, I did not remember that a certain type of humor would trigger him to become incensed and angry. He threw in my face that after so many years of being close with him, and knowing him, I would dare post something that would trigger his anger on Facebook.

I tried to apologize, and explain myself, but he would have none of it. It actually reminds me of the friend I lost around this time last year. You remember the girl (Tilly) who got upset over her dog, but I had nothing to do with it, and yet, I paid for it, and also for this one.

He reacted as if I had thrown it in his face, when I didn’t even put his name on it. I told him I would set a privacy restriction on those types of posts, but he saw that as a sad excuse for my bad behavior that appalled him. The funny thing about all this is I don’t even remember censoring myself for his comfort. I mean, I am a person who does consider the needs of others, but not to an extreme as I used to. I used to inconvenience myself for them all the time, and it was how I lived, so I saw nothing wrong with it.

Now, with the times as they are in this world, remaining silent and remaining ‘the one who does without complaint’ is a lost behavior. No one wants that position now, especially when it’s sounding more forced upon or demanded. When he read me the ‘riot act’ on my behavior, and how it goes against him as a sensitive person, I was being slapped for having a voice, for being myself, for opening up about my sexuality as a grown woman.

The thought going through my mind at that moment was, “How the hell did this go wrong?” Huh, I guess that’s what comes with the territory of gaining a voice. It’s been hard for me to get over hurting others, but what’s hardest for me is when I didn’t do it on purpose, and now it’s my responsibility to stroke their ego. Sure, I’d like to snap my fingers and make it seem as if I never hurt them, or their illness just disappears, but mental/psychological illnesses don’t work that way.

I just felt it was a low blow to me that even an apology, or an acceptance of my having a human senility moment wasn’t good enough. Just one picture… One sentence, and a close relationship is toast. Granted, in my defense, he himself decided to go on Facebook, which is a place many sensitives are hurt on a daily basis, but I choose not to be passive aggressive on his behavior. I just thought we could trust each other to understand, but I guess not. He said I obviously didn’t know him well if I would post something that would hurt him.

That, my friends, was a major guilt trip to me. I have been posting things of the adult nature for years, and he suddenly comes on, and is appalled, and I must pay for his reaction. It’s hard for someone who does care to be slapped in the face for being themselves. I love and care about him dearly, and I love his family just as much as him. They’ve been a part of my life since I was in grade school, and there have been rough times here and there with my friend (His older sister), but nothing like this.

I am not trying to show myself as the victim here, just saying that I feel the need to stand up for myself somehow in the essence that he took something innocent and made it all about him, which it had nothing to do with him. I could look at it as just a case of him having a low manic episode, as he has been diagnosed bipolar, but it’s hard to deal with that when it happens every time we talk on social media, or messenger-type platforms.

Most people I have spoken with have nothing but good things to say about me, and enjoy what I say, the stories I tell, and enjoy my antics. Sadly, due to the plethora of emotional triggers, he is my biggest critic. Right now, I feel like Kathy Griffin in her fight over the picture she took with a bloodied mock-up of Trump’s head. It is my page, my turf, and my voice. I’m not responsible for what the easily triggered would see if they ventured on my page. I’m not copping out, but I was not meaning to do anything wrong.

Here’s the problem: the super-sensitive also have a responsibility to a point-they have a choice- get upset over it, and leave that person over something completely trivial, or they could cool off, ask the person why they posted it, and choose to block those specific posts from that point on, as it makes ‘them’ feel uncomfortable.

It’s amazing how many people who heard the phrase, “You have a voice,” think that it applies to, “I have a voice, and I say you shouldn’t do that because I don’t agree with it, or I don’t like it.” Well, to that, and I’m not apologizing for saying this, but here goes, “I have a right to speak just as much as you. However, when someone says, or does something I don’t like, I don’t ask them to stop, and it’s simply because they have the same rights. You let them speak, as you request the same. It’s not concrete when they say it! You can have your opinion, and I can have mine. It’s called DIVERSITY!”


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