2020 has certainly turned out to be quite a year. Started off with the tragic death of Kobe Bryant and his beloved daughter Gianna, and others in a tragic crash, then ‘The Rona’ hit and scared everyone into their homes for survival. Now? We have the rise of change, shaking the very core of our society in the wake of the tragic death of George Floyd.
We all knew these days where coming. From 2012, changes had been stacking up, taking our lives to the next level, creating change in every facet of our lives. We became smarter, our intelligence skyrocketed, and even our perceptions were beginning to change. The children of the 90’s began to emerge, and take us up where we are today, and here they’re marching for the strongest of changes in our society.
This world is changing, right before our eyes, and taking us to the next level of living in this new world we see emerging.
What’s Next?
Well, this isn’t a post about our world, per say. However, I am an individual who has written on this site for years now, and I have watched myself grow not only as a writer, but also as a person. I am no longer the sweet individual who grew up beloved by many in my community. I am now a human embracing the many different caged facets I’ve ignored for most, if not half, my life.
I have toiled over my path in life, tried to see where I can go, where writing can take me, and I have seen quite an explosion of pathways over the past ten years, and I was hoping to find one when a roadblock hit and knocked me sideways.
I recently, since February, found I suffer from ADHD. Talk about a rude awakening indeed. I stopped my search for ideas and pathways, and explored what that meant to me. It turns out, I have issues focusing, following through, finishing what I start, and continuing putting energy into a project that I fall out of easily before I realize it’s happened.
Needless to say, I have since needed to redirect my focus from being an aspired novel writer, to something easier, with less time needed for finishing. Blogging is easiest for me, obviously. I have written more blog posts on this site about various personal experiences than I have stories to turn into manuscripts. It is showing me where my path truly is lying.
Technical Writing Aspirations
As an anonymous blogger, who has enjoyed this venture and still do, I decided to be a more informative writer. I am multi-talented at many different forms of writing. I’ve written poetry, had one poem about my grandfather published in a book from the International Poetry Society back in the late 90’s called “Papa”. I have also written song lyrics, and many short stories as a child (generally in the horror genre, which is a shocker since I can’t sit through most horror films). I have a degree in English, as well as a certificate in Creative Writing. However, writing to help others inspires me to be there for others in ways I couldn’t otherwise.
Blogging can be seen as Technical Writing in a sense. With my stories and exploits listed on this site, I feel comfortable being as I am now. I have a business venture I can write blog posts for in the works, and I intend to make that my near future prospect. However, writing is not all this journey post is about, though it is part of the focus.
Personal Growth
I have decided not to remain the person I was emotionally, spiritually, or as a writer. I have decided that my recent self-discoveries have opened doors I never knew were there. I am not the same person I was when I began this site, and I never will be again.
However, I will not despair over moving on, or the loss of those moments as my present. I will seek my goals and paths where I feel I can take this knowledge, understanding, and persistence to continue on this journey and make it worth my while, instead of seeking something outside myself I would not enjoy being.
My recent findings taught me quite a few things. Sure, some of you may have read about them, researched them, or found them on your Facebook feeds. I’m talking about ascension– spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have grown into an interesting adult, and I find I’m now less worried about how hard it can be while adulting.
Lately, I have been reading books relating to ADHD, how to manage the symptoms, how to redirect energy into more promising and productive behaviors as opposed to allowing the symptoms to drag me down into a state of apathetic Depression, which was where I found myself quite often, and had no idea why.
I would become overwhelmed by stacked-up dishes in my sink, overflowing garbage cans, and piles of laundry. Don’t get me started on my closet and my garage. Those are beasts of a different level of challenge, I tell you. Needless to say, as much as I love my house, the next one will certainly have a basement for storage.
However, the garage will be focused on as a representation of the ‘me’ I have been hiding. I have so much packed away in boxes, and tossed aside into my own manifested void where I feel ‘junk’ belongs. I use the term ‘junk’ loosely, simply because I not only have found that I have had no room for these ‘items’ in my life for over 20 years. However, I am attached to it all. It’s bred, and grown since I moved in here.
The question to ask myself, is how much of that ‘junk’ really is really an essential part of me? I really don’t know, and I have a long road to figure that out. However, I feel like I want to off-load it so badly, and yet, I am virtually unable to do so.
Sure, I can use the excuse of time. However, with research on how I view time, I found I make it impossible to find enough time. With the excuse of, “I don’t have the patience,” do I really not? With the excuse, “There’s so much, I don’t know where to start,” can I re-direct that energy to a proper executive function that’s missing?
I have used all the regular, cliched excuses, all this time. I am working through what options I have to help me feel better about myself, even though this disorder debilitates me every now and then. It causes me to become frustrated often, as I feel as if I’m not able to achieve everything I wish to. However, I’m not disabled.
A Harsh Truth
What ADHD has brought to light is that I am learning where I can and can’t thrive. For instance, do I work well in a corporate office setting where I am often distracted during my normal routine by people needing help, my assistance, or me to do something I wasn’t expecting to be asked to do? No.
I currently work from home for a company that’s global, and is allowing their employees to continue working during the pandemic. Working from home has been nice, to be honest. Sure, I feel free working at home, I feel as if I’m allowed to be myself more, and I am able to enjoy a two minute commute to work, right down the stairs. Everyone would love that, I’m sure, but not everyone likes working where they try to relax. It turns out, I’m one of those who does better on my own, in my own space.
I also found that I do better when I have projects, and can work at my own pace. In other words, I would do better as my own boss. This time working from home has taught me more of who I am as a person. How much longer this will happen, I don’t know. However, it’s safe to say that change will come eventually, whatever that present may be when it does knock on my door.
Hard Choices
I found that I went to school years ago for a Bachelors that wasn’t ready to be pulled out of the oven to enjoy. I realized, later, that I went back too soon. Once I went back, writing jobs and resources boomed. Writers suddenly became needed more than ever, but I had no clue that I was jumping the gun. I graduated in 2015, and felt I had cleared quite a hurdle. I essentially let it go to my head. However, what I soon learned was I wasn’t done yet. Student loans came to a head, and I just wasn’t willing to add to them to further my studies. A Masters, as nice as it sounds, felt like more trouble than it was worth, as I would be working full time, and going to school at night, only to owe more in the end. I felt overwhelmed just thinking about it, so I decided to find other alternatives.
I started an online Independent Study Certification program through a local college offering exactly what I missed for my degree. However, what I didn’t foresee is that I would be hit with more roadblocks with my current disorder. I ended up in a deep apathetic Depression. Now, I’m about to make my first loan payment for the program, and I haven’t even started the first assignment. Normally, in a classroom setting, that would start me out with an F. However, I have months to do only a few things compared to what I would do in the classroom. So, it’s up to me to overcome my issues, and soon.
My goals are to help my spouse with needs not being met, where my spouse can choose the right path, and ascend as well. It’s my turn to no longer be dependent. But most importantly, I need to know and nourish myself, as I really haven’t been. Paths are in need of pruning, change, and a new direction. I am getting to where I need to be in order to accept those changes.
Future Goals
I know I’ve talked about future goals here before, but honestly, they keep changing. I need to learn how to live in the present, and manifest my ideal future so it can exist when I want it to. Learning how to see time differently isn’t easy, as it takes a re-training of the mind, and off-loading previous outside junk I’ve been fed to discover the truths of what I’m really living through.
Reality, and the meaning of it, is changing for me. I realized I was lost in my past; I was living like it was 2001, or some other old year. I thought I was her, but I grew out of the skin long ago. No one ever sees their future/present coming. As we are only in a new present with each second that comes along, and passes, our presents are only a second long.
My future is my present. It’s an interesting concept, and it really makes one think outside societal boxes. I’ve learned how to shut out everything being passed around, shut out ideals that aren’t mine, and not absorb ideals that are toxic, and old world behaviors. In doing such a thing, I can see where the living in the present concept comes from.
My past is my story, however, not my future, or present. Can it shape me for the present and future? Yes, but I can’t live in the past forever. I’m not a doll frozen in time, nor a statue others will remember locked in one brief moment. I live, I breathe, I make decisions, and I am an individual. There is only one me, and I will never exist like this, in this moment again.
My future is a promise to myself I intend to enact for myself. I have lived for most of my life doing for others, giving to others, and never taking for myself. I have made career paths that are directed toward that creed. I can still do that, but only to a certain extent. I can write to inspire, I can write to direct and help guide others, but I can’t write to save anyone, stop anyone from misfortune, or to give an idealistic message that I believe helps others make better decisions.
I learned this world doesn’t need fairy tales, as it’s no longer the same world. Young people do what they wish, even if they know they shouldn’t. Only they can save themselves, and choose to ignore the warnings that already exist. YOLO is the new creed of this world and times, and it’s to be paid attention to.
What YOLO Means To Me
Well, I can only live once, once a moment. I only have one chance to make a moment count. I only have one chance to make a moment inspire a lifetime of growth, of possibilities, and of happiness.
It may not mean the same to any of you, but I think we all can benefit from asking ourselves what it means to us.
Sure, when the youngsters bombarded the beaches during Spring Break while the Pandemic was very much a new reality, we all gasped in fear for our lives. However, they didn’t. I have no idea what those YOLO Adventurers are doing now, but they made me think. Was I living? If so, how well?
Zig-Zagging Through Old Foundations
I used to think that following a well-laid-out plan for making ends meet and achieving the American Dream was the right path to choose. I came to learn it was an easy route for some. Some benefited from that path, while others had to come at it sideways, or from behind. Some had to infiltrate, and make themselves known from behind a mask to get respect.
Now? It’s no holds barred. A person can get hired for spending money on a dozen donuts, and tape. Some just found new avenues for applying for new career paths. Some did only free online training, and skipped university altogether because they couldn’t afford it. Some went back into the trades, to revive them.
Some were forced to make a pathway for themselves that never existed before since they were not meant for the pathways that are well paved, and have come out ahead.
My pathway? It’s a new one for me. I have to look between the lines of normality. I need to go between the avenues, and work my way up stairwells I need to build, one step at a time. I need to work inside, and fill the holes, since I’m not meant to use the elevators to the top floor. I must work for it.
I must become strong as I climb stairwells. I don’t use ladders, they’re too common. I use unique, twisting, turning, circling, steps that weave through the cracks in the old foundations. I will pave a new path that works for those who can make their way up using hidden paths within old foundations. Not everyone benefits from the common roads. I’m one of them.
Conclusion
I am working my way, I am listening, and I am thinking clearer. Finding Clarity has helped me find these new ideals, new pathways, and new possibilities; ultimately, Clarity has led me here, back to this blog, to start anew.
This blog is a collection of ramblings and interests. However, I have a new plan for this blog. I know I’ve made promises before, but these are of more a personal nature. This blog will be a journal of sorts where I talk about where this journey of Clarity takes me.
As I am a writer building my path up through the old, stable sky scrapers of this world, I would like this place to be where others like me can possibly find ideas, and insight, rather than just random ramblings.
Rambling Thoughts Abound 